My Life Journal Chapter 16: (sigh)


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I have a rap battle set up with a person in someplace. Hmmm, let us call him Kerk (sorry my sci-fi is kicking in). Anyways, I heard he's pretty good. My cousin told me about him, turns out he's the best rapper in his area. While I'm like the best rapper in all of the north side. I mean, best freestyle rapper, battle rapper. I seem cocky saying I'm the best huh? Well I challenged a lot of the supposedly good rappers to battle and I won. So, even they admit that none of them could beat me in a freestyle rap battle. Only problem is I'm a fucking highschooler. So none of these fucking music producers care about me. I mean I forced one of them to listen to my raps. Then he apologized. He was like "Dude, I thought you were a mumble rapper. Or you had a shitty flow."

Turns out he thought that I'm only a highschooler. So there's no way a highschooler would be good.

Also, I've been slamming norcos and lean. Pretty bad huh, but who gives a shit. I mean I got an alcoholic father who told off a fucking 5 year old. I mean what is fucking wrong with him! He was like "That kid is disrespectful because he doesn't listen!"

"I told him to stop and he said you're not my grandma!"

Then he went on how he'd kill off that childs family. Hell, He's kind of the reason that she left me. He threatened to kill her family. Did I ever tell you that drug addict who tried to kill my family was my dads step-father. You see I had an uncle (multiple) who have sketchy uhhh businesses. So, it tore my dads family apart and they went into 4 factions so to say. My dad chose to be on my uncle who sold cocaines side. Then yeah. A drug war broke out and my dad got caught in the cross fire. I mean my uncle that sold cocaine raised my father. Everyone in his family abandoned him and only a few of them helped him. Now that reputation stains his children. I mean I said he was good in highschool, and he was. Out of school was different. Now I live with his sins. I had people who I thought I could trust, and after finding out my family situation. They left, either by my family being crazy, or because they or their family chose to have no affiliation with me. The son of a murderer, gangster, who also comes from a family of drug dealers and murderers. Everyone of my uncles has had affiliations with drugs, racketeering, or killing. So us of the younger generation are branded with the title of "bad, crazy, gangs"

I hate my father, but I also love him. My brother joined the army and never returned home because of all this shit.

My father was good in school, bad elsewhere. He hated bullies though. Then turned into one.

Where I come from, we have a form of respect by grabbing someones hand in an almost handshake like gesture, then we bow our head. So I went to big fancy party with my father. And I went doing that sign of respect to all the elders. He beat the shit out of me when we got to our hotel room. Something about how a persons kid didn't show my father respect but I showed respect to that persons father. My dad went on saying how I embarassed him because I respect that persons father more than him. He then said "You're his kids bitch huh? They think they're so bad ass! I'll fucking kill them!" Then he proceeded to hit me.

The event lasted 2 days, and I didn't go down the next day. I mean you couldn't see the hits, but he was yelling so loud that so many people heard it. After that I just gave up, I dont even show respect to anyone. Every time I go to an event my fathers acquaintances host. I just scowl. I don't talk, I don't smile, I just stay silent and scowl. I swear I used to be a happy child, after my father got out of prison. I changed. I remember when he got out that first day we held a movie night. I hugged my dads leg (I was 6) Then I kissed his cheek and said "I love you"

He punched out my teeth and called me a fagget. Then shoved me to the ground. I don't hug after that. At 8 I came home crying. He slapped me and said to man up. I was named after my father, and when I was 11 he said I wasn't his son and regrets naming me after him. 14 broke the kitchen door and threw me a bunch of shit. 16 He slammed a fan and threw it to my head. and I'm 17 now, he threatened my ex girlfriends family. Called me a bitch because I cried when my close friend died.

Even my mother. She threw me a knife. Tells me I'm retarded, useless, said she's ashamed I'm her child. I'm also sick, I have to take medication everyday or I'll die. So my parents spend so much on my medical bills. I'm also the only child at home. So I do everything from cleaning to taking care of the farm. I go to sleep around 11 pm to 12 am.

Sometimes I hate my life. I mean, why do this to me. Sometimes I wanna die, but I'm sick already. For me to live is difficult, why would I take my life for granted. So pills do fine I guess. I mean I'm writing this on "Norco" So I don't know. I hate my life. Getting high seems to drown it all away. I know it's bad, but I'd rather do this than blow up and end up like my father.

Everyone runs away from me because my family. Only Mike, Vince, and Jozi didn't care. Now it's only Mike and Vince.

"They say to love yourself before Loving another. but how do you learn to love yourself, when no one loves you."

Sincerely: Calamity
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