Errand-Runner of the Gods Chapter 1: Chapter 1: How I Died


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My knife bites into the door.
Daaaarrrnnn. This is so boring.
I reach under my bed for my FlexPad.
*FlexPad, the perfect reading surface for all types of people:
Type1: bookworms
Type 2: authors
Type 3: stupid people who will do nothing in their life because they dropped out of school to read lightnovels (59 percent end up committing suicide), don't be a stupid person*


That annoying ad pops up every time I turn my pad on.
Btw Fyi: I am the third type and I don't care so don't judge!

I click on my favorite book about stupid gods killing people on accident and doing cool stuff for them.

As I read I think:
This is such a clichéd novel topic....
Hmmmmm.... what if this actually happens sometimes?
After all...don't all myths contain some truth...?
What if it happens to me.....?
I suppose I should be prepared right?
I mean... What if some god kills me and offers to do anything I want.....?
It would be a disaster if I couldn't think of anything and ended up only asking for an easy life! That would be SO boring.

It would be just like when I can't think of anything that I want for chistmas,
or what I want to do with my life,
or even what I want to take in university (not that that's really a problem as I am the third type of person).

I think I'll make a list.

Here it is:

'Leslie's list of possibilities for compensation if or when a god(ess) accidently (or not) kills me and wishes to compensate me for my loss':
1. Some kind of super cool power
2. Ability to use magic
3. Able to travel to different worlds
4. Some kind of important mission that only I can do. (After all it would be a disaster if I were to get bored, then what would be the point of reincarnating?)
5. Able to talk to the gods and goddesses (cus, u know, what if I want something else (After all, they would be indebted to me cus they killed me))

As I ponder these deep and meaningful thoughts...


Somehow an strange girly scream has come out of my lungs...
I immediately look around but all I see is white and white and... more white.
Is this...

"Fweak you Leslie, can't you learn to wash your own bedsheets...?"
(That was my sister, Ellie, she is also a part time vigilante)

"Uuhhggggg! What a disappointment..."
I actually thought that...

"Who you callin a disappointment?!?!?", it appears that my sister has misunderstood and thinks that I was talking about her.
"Huh!" (She sounds really mad)
"What disappointment?" (Maybe if I don't talk back to her she will let me off...)
*Smack* (ouch, that one really hurt!)
"If we r talking about disappointments here, then why don't we talk about you!! I'm a Type 1 person who reads nonfiction books that actually improve my brain

EEEWwww!! that was a disgusting sounding splat!
That was the last thing I thought before passing out.

When I woke up the first thing I noticed was that I was surrounded by whiteness. Not my bedsheets but real, divine, heavenly, whiteness.

"YES, Finally my chance to reincarnate has come, my cheat-like powers await!!".

However the second thing that I noticed was...

Oooohhhh that was toooooo funny. This little brat was fantasizing about taking advantage of us gods, and then..hehehehehahahaha..wait juuussst a sec. I can't handle it... *huiehwhew* AND THEN, he got slapped to death by his sister..."

This was all said by a fairly fat man in a toga, a toga that slips farther and farther down his shoulder with each bellow of laughter. And because I have been faithfully preparing to reincarnate I of course know the name of this strange man: Zeus, who is, coincidently, a GOD. Once I realize that I look around and realize that there are more gods and goddesses around me than I have ever seen in my life! [1]

Thirteen gods and goddesses to be exact.

However as I take my time processing this information they haven't stopped talking...

"Ohh! Me!" [2] (still fat toga guy(Zeus)talking)
"Dionysus, your idea of creating a world totally devoted to our entertainment was ingenious! I mean especially the part where you named it such an obvious name: EARTH!! Like as in the stuff the planet is made out of!! AND all you have to do to the word Earth to turn it into the word Entertainment is:
Take away the H
Add an N
Add another N
Add a T
Add another T
Add an I
Add an M
and finally add an E"
"That was absolutely ingenious, I think you really deserve a reward. What do you think guys?" Zeus looks around at all of the other gods and goddesses for a pico-second, "Never mind who cares what you think?"
He turns to the very unhappily sober god of wine, "As a reward, from now on the ban that keeps you from touching wine is now lifted." [3]
The aforementioned sober god had not had time to prepare his response, as he had expected to have to remain sober for the rest of eternity, "YEEEEEEESSSSS finally!!! Thanks dude!"
Aand he ended up making a HUUGE blunder.

A blunder which did not pass over Zeus's head, and instead hit him very squarely on the nose in a very annoying way.
"whoa! Whoa! WHOA!!!"
"You don't EVER, EVER call ME, Zeus, the ALMIGHTY God of lighting, dude."
"Your ban on alchohol has been renewed!"
"NOOOOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!! Darn it! I was going to go visit my aunt susan and get some alchohol infused ambrosia." [4]

This is all getting very confusing maybe they are forgetting that I am here.
"Wait a sec guys...aren't you supposed to say that you feel sorry for me cus I got slapped to death and that you will reincarnate into a swords and magic world with a bunch of OP cheat powers?"

There was a sudden silence (perhaps they had forgotten that I was here...)

Then were a few snickers...

An extremely load knock on the impractically large doors behind me.

Apollo grins and calls, "come in".

An angel with tooth-fairy-like (but a lot bigger and with feathers) wings walks in holding a long bar of metal in his hands. The messenger is wearing thick rubber gloves on his hands. The pole is about 5 feet long and is covered in engravings depicting people being electrocuted by giant lightning bolts from the sky.

Hmmm... this doesn't feel quite right...

Then the angel yells in an unnecessarily loud voice: "ALMIGHTY ZEUS, YOUR LIGHTNING BOLT"

Zeus holds out his hand and the metal staff flies to his waiting palm, "well you see, we were going to kill you anyway for disrespecting the all powerful Type 1's, us Gods and Goddesses, by assuming that we would pick a loser like you to be reincarnated with all of our gifts and blessings [5]."

"It was almost funny that you assumed that we would pick a type 3 Homo Sapien to be our chosen one, but if wasn't funny enough so it was just disrespectful."
"So we, when I say we, I mean ME, decided to kill you as punishment."
"But instead of you holding still and doing your Type 3 stuff as you waited for death, you had to come up here before I was ready!"
"Well, it is a little more awkward than I had anticipated, but I guess you can die here just as well as you can die in your room."

Okay, I seriously need to clear up this misunderstanding so that I can get my cheat powers and get started on conquering some random world, "WAIT!! NO, its not my fault. Its my sister's fault!"

"WHAT! Are you blaming a Type 2 for your mistake?!?!"
"There is no chance for pardon now!"


[1] Leslie had never seen any gods or goddesses in his life before now.

[2] The person talking is a God. So instead of saying OMG, he says: Oh Me!

[3] A half reference to Percy Jackson

[4] Ambrosia is the stuff that gods/goddesses eat

[5] Plot Armor
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